This past year has been a year of great contradiction for me. On one side, I have grown so much as an artist and watched as many projects I envision came to life. I also learned to accept parts of myself that I struggled with my whole life. I started living more authentically. I am proud of the these things and accomplishments.
On the other side, however, I am less proud of the person I watched myself become. Not as a product of those successes, but rather from pain and anger. I used to be a person who laughed a lot, who saw the world through rose colored glasses, carried a childlike wonder through life, who saw the goodness in people. This year, I became cynical. I lost hope in many things, and developed a level of negativity and arrogance that has certainly impacted my relationships.
When did it start? I’m not sure. Perhaps it has been growing inside of me for much longer than I choose to admit. What caused it? I could blame many events or even people. But the truth is, I caused it or at the very least, allowed it. It is so easy to allow a little bit of anger to remain. Over and over again until you are filled with it.
I used to talk about ideas and philosophical things. But have found myself simply focusing on people and what they have done or not done and how I have allowed that to impact me.
My Dad always talks about the need to live in the moment and not in the past. The past is over, and it cannot be undone or done differently. I can analyze and try ti connect this to a person or event or whatever, but at the end of the day, I have made choices. And those choices have become habits. And those habits have manifested as a major part of who I became this past year.
The only way out of this? To make different choices. To form new habits. And those new habits will manifest themselves in who I become in the future.
I cannot say I won’t still do any of these things. Honestly, we all know that habits die hard. I can only say that I intend to do better. And eventually, to be better.
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